1 October 2025 |
Yesterday I slept at 1:30am. Just as I had made yesterday's post. I came across a series of videos by Julian de Medeiros. Those videos put into perspective so much stuff I've been thinking about. I think they are excellent to I'll ink them below:
And the best of all:
In short, if I want to live a fulfilling life, I have to do things that have meaning to me. I don't know it sounds so simple. But I had been fighting with myself forever on this topic. Always going back and forth on whether or not, the sacrifice of the work was worth it. Whether or not, I should suffer the pain or just give in to my base desires. Does anything matter, should I even bother? My recent post was actually about this. I was in such a deep pit of despair and what made it worse was I could see that there was another way to live that would give me the fulfillment I was looking for and yet it seemed so far out of reach. I was suffering so much. I thought my life was cut short before it even started. Like I never even had a chance. Like I was cursed. I couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to enjoy my own life, why I couldn't stick to fighting my own dreams. Like I just wanted to be happy even if I have to overcome some difficulty. I didn't want life to be perfect, I wanted it to have meaning.
My heart was in the right place but I was so unhappy. I thought I was doing everything right but why was my own heart away from me? Why was everything so dry? Why wouldn't my own heart come forward and seize the day? Why was I so bitter? Yes, I had some pains but this level of bitterness was like a pure hatred for life itself.
Everyday, I would think long and hard about what I could do, what I could optimize, what I could improve, what I could sacrifice. What could I do to live in accordance with my vision for life? How could I tie these warring parts of me together? Because I understood that in their own way, they wanted to protect and fulfill me. But I was miserable. Why was it so easy for me to drop my weed addiction once I decided in my heart to do it, than it was to drop my porn or youtube addiction? What was the qualitative difference? Why couldn't I commit to the exercise routine? Why couldn't I program to my heart's content even though it was my dream?
Why, why, why was I so miserable even though I had everything I needed for a good life? It wasn't something I lacked from the outside, it was internal, a dedication to something meaningful. I needed something that I could do with my life that could express my feelings and find meaning in the world.
So many words to say I'm never going to watch porn and YouTube again. How anticlimactic! But it really has just come down to that. This passive consumerism is destroying my soul. I don't want to consume, I want to create. Additionally, most of this stuff is completely bereft of any intellectual content. It's all just hot takes and fancy edits. Nothing sustainable, nothing nourishing. By the end of these consuming sessions, I'd just feel empty. Like I've wasted my time. This feeling is what made me stop gaming completely. I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I had reached the same point with porn and YouTube but what was holding me back was the feeling that they are protecting me from something. Like I don't want to unearth all the hidden, dark desires in mine own heart. Like I was some hideous beast who was only kept noble by pursuing purely intellectual pursuits. I don't know how to explain. Like my desires were meaningless. Yet, these desires were guiding me to a full life, even though in a clumsy way. The need for friends, a girlfriend, status, expression. All these things, I did not know how to meet these desires. I just did what felt good, and that's why I fell into addictions hard. Cause that's what they offer exactly. The get rid of the pain, but they don't solve the problem. That deep need to feel meaning in your life can never be met by chasing phantoms. If you want real fulfillment you have to do actually fulfilling work.
I know it sounds so simple, so basic, but for me it was an eternal struggle. It was like I had two beasts fighting inside of me. And they both knew what was best for me. And in a sense they both had their own merits, they both were trying to protect me and guide me to what they thought they knew best. And yet they both seemed incomplete. Each felt like they needed something from the other side. I needed to be complete. I am really struggling with words here. Seriously, if you've read this blog, watch those videos. He does a much better job than I can at explaining these concepts from a high level perspective. I am just tussling about with my own basic understanding of my own daily experience. Really, the best way I can explain is that by stopping YouTube and porn, it's like I had opened the floor beneath me. I was in free fall.
What saved me is dedicating myself to my art and to the people I love. I know it sounds so simple, just do what you love. I'm telling you, I've been struggling with this like a maniac. I've been so depressed, so suicidal, so crazy I was barely hanging on to life. And now? Bliss. I've barely slept yet I've got so much energy. I'm thrilled, exhilarated, indefatigable. It's like I have a new lease on life. I feel redeemed, reborn. I've seen the light. Satori.
Going forward, I want to make some changes. First, I need a proper website, this codeberg pages stuff won't cut it any more. I want people to find my work and I have some ideas for more interactivity that I want to add. Secondly, I want to put up more technical information that I wish was easier to find. Or maybe just share some perspectives on technology in general. I want to share my journey as I go through my degree as well. Expect some style changes. I don't think I'll get rid of this website, it will always have a special place in my heart as where I found myself. But I want to expand and go further out. I want to create more. I want to express myself more. I want to learn more. I want to be more. That's what the new website will be about. I've been thinking about it for some time, so I have some good ideas about how to start.
To new horizons!!!!! SHINZOU SASAGEYO!!! PLUS ULTRA!!!