30 September 2025 |
Do I believe I can achieve my dreams? For a long time, I didn't believe. I always thought I would be fat, broke, lonely, loony, desperate and bored. But nowadays, I'm not so sure that's true anymore, I have some hope. The question is, will I let this hope guide me? Do I have faith that if I stick it out, I will be successful? Is the point to be 'successful' or is it to go on the journey?
My whole life I have been broke, lonely, looked at as loony, desperate and very bored. And I mean that sincerely. I have never had much money except that time I had a writing business and it was so much money it made me drop out cause I was like what the fuck is the point of education if I can just make this much money without it? I've never had many friends and never really had a girlfriend, so yeah. I've always been looked at as different, kinda loony, you know? Maybe I'm exaggerating but that's how it's felt. Because of all these factors, I am very desperate to get out of this situation. So much so that at the beginning of this year, all I could think of is that if this thing with the university doesn't work out and I have to continue to live like this, then I'd rather kill myself. That's the truth. In fact, the only thing that kept me going was the thought of my family finding me dead by the side of the road or in some other god-forsaken corner. I had already come up with means and methods of killing myself and I just told myself, you know what, I'm in so much pain that if it doesn't work out it won't really hurt me as much. I really am in that much pain. And generally, I've been very bored. I find most things dull and uninteresting, not challenging at all, more like an exercise in patience. That goes for my studies as well as entrepreneurship in general. The only thing that excites me is programming. That's the only thing I don't find as boring as watching paint dry. Books too fall into this category but it has to be a well written book with a perspective I have never heard of or a well told story. As you can imagine, most contemporary books for me are garbage.
So what changed? Basically, I kept to my commitment of living my life to the max. I may hate every second, but that doesn't stop me from trying to make it better. One thing I found is that by removing all sources of cheap dopamine, then I can really start to enjoy the more basic things. Like writing, coding, drawing, music (real music not gangsta rap) and learning languages. I also enjoy connecting with other people but they have to be people of a certain caliber and we have to be in sync. I don't want to feel like I'm the only reason this relationship exists. The other thing I have found is that I have changed as a person. I did not expect that. For example, I always identified as fat. And I thought there was nothing I could do to change that. I wanted people to accept me as that and see my other good qualities. This was such bullshit, I can't believe I'm saying it. I never thought I could have a fit body. But by never giving up on learning more about fitness, I was able to come across resources that have helped me to start on that journey. I also was shocked to find out just how rewarding working out is. I'm still struggling to rewire my brain circuits to keep the discipline but I didn't expect that. Another thing is that I always thought that the girls I wanted don't exist. But I was just looking in all the wrong places. As silly as it is, I was judging girls purely on beauty first and foremost. And by beauty it was more like the best I thought I could sleep with, something like that. I never really looked at the quality of the relationship. I would put up with anything if she was hot. No wonder I was in such trash relationships or I had to do so much work, I basically signed up to be a simp bus boy. I really thought I was better than this. But that's why they used me and when they were done, they dumped me like a used tissue. I did the same things in friendships too. I still can't believe it. In short, just don't cast pearls before swine.
However, these experiences so damaged my psyche that I wanted to kill myself. Even now, I am almost trembling in trepidation as I try to navigate this. Even as I have understood why I failed before, I'm still not sure that means I will succeed. Considering how far back I am, I don't know if trying to catch up is even worth it. I don't know if even trying to succeed is even worth it. Look I'm just tired of getting burned. Yes, I made some mistakes and I treated the people who could have made my tribe like trash and that's why I have no tribe now. Cool, I get that. There were tons of women who would have appreciated what I had to offer and would have helped me grow if I had given them a chance. I could have been making mad money with programming if I had not been an addict and spent all that time programming, reading and building projects. I'm just like is this really the only way to learn how to be better? If this is the only way then what hope do I have? I'm just a fat, broke addict. How can I be expected to overcome all this shit?
On the other hand, my heart was in the right place. I dropped out cause I thought I could make better money and I could. I wanted to be a developer so I did as much research the only way I knew how. I didn't know the best way was to actually program. It sounds simple in retrospect but I didn't know that. Same thing goes with the girls, I always thought that a girl would respect how much effort you put into it and while that's true to a certain extent, you need to have some self-respect and understand what you need from the relationship as well. The same goes for friends. And as for the addictions, how was I supposed to know they were a maladapted method to prevent me from feeling pain? I thought that because I felt good then they must be good for me. I had everything completely in reverse. All this stuff, I could only see one side of the equation. I couldn't see the forest for the trees. What scares me is what else I don't know. More than that, can I even really see the rest of the forest? This shit is terrifying. I lost 10 years to this shit and could have lost my life! As it stands I am barely clinging on to dear life! What in the actual fuck?!
And to be honest, this shit is pissing me the fuck off!
Why do I have to be the one to constantly suffer? Is that even true? Am I just playing the victim? Can't I just grab life by the balls and change it into what I want? What other choice do I have? Bend over and get fucked? Hell NO!!!
It's not even about faith here any more, it's about pride! My own self-respect! If I'm going down, I'm going down on my own terms. KNOWING that I did my absolute best, that this life simply wasn't for me and I have nothing left to give. As it stands, I have a shit-ton left to give. I can reach harder, I can strive harder, I can work harder, I can sacrifice more and suffer more. I am going to give more and let the chips lie where they may.
Yes, I have faith that if I do my best, I'll get the best outcome. Simple. I don't have to have faith in elaborate plans. I believe that my best effort is entitled to the best outcome for me. Not some fairy tale finish where everything is peachy. No, my best outcome. And I'm okay with that. And like I said, the suicidal stuff got way less intense when I culled my addictions and invested my time in stuff that's more productive. So it's GAME ON!! Plus, if I've been hanging in there while coping sub-optimally, what happens when I'm at my peak? What happens when I'm in the best shape of my life? When my skills have been sharpened? When I've dedicated myself to my craft, mind, body and soul? What are the horizons I will see then? How is the view from the mountaintop? There's only one way to find out.