13 September 2025 |
I'm changing.
I've wanted for so long to become a developer and now it has been 2 weeks of classes. I'm getting this feeling that I can make it. I'm looking around at my fellow students, my lecturers, my coursework and I've just got this deep feeling in my gut like I can make it. Here's an update:
I'm still working on my addictions. In the past two weeks, I haven't watched any porn, bringing the streak to a solid 2 months and a day. I still get the urges but now I just don't care. I have a mission. YouTube is a bit different, I've watched it for 3 days in those 2 weeks. Friday last week for about 2 hours, yesterday for another 2 hours and today for another 2 hours. Mostly, I just find myself getting fed up with the endless stream of bullshit on YouTube. It's just a bunch of nonsense that will never help me at all. For the most part I'm pretty happy with my progress. The next step is to kick it out entirely.
I've found that the best replacement for YouTube has been books. Especially classical books. I've been reading Psycho-Cybernetics and it has really helped in changing how I view myself. The book goes into so much depth on how your mind works as a cybernetic machine and this really jives with me. The conscious part of your brain gives direction and error correction. Your subconscious comes up with ideas and solutions automatically. I've found that this makes a lot of sense for me. It also highlights the importance of what you feed your mind. If you believe in nonsense, then you will invariably produce nonsense. Unfortunately, nonsense can be quite addictive; drugs, porn, social media, video games. Remove these things and you find your life quality improves dramatically.
I've had some more success with exercise and dieting. I've improved my strength and endurance roughly twice as much. From 10 or so push ups to 17. I could do 20 if I really tried but for now I'm just following simple progressions. The book that I've found most illuminating on this subject is Overcoming Gravity. It has everything you need to know about calisthenics. Combining that with a solid diet and I've been seeing consistent weight loss. I've lost about 6 kilos in a month.
The sleep schedule has seen some improvement. I usually go to sleep at about 9PM and wake up at about 5AM on weekdays. Weekends I just let myself rise when I feel like it. This sleep schedule works best for me and keeps me alert and energized. I don't think I want to change anything about it.
Where am I going with this? I have found that this routine makes me so much more happy and more fulfilled than I have been in a very long time. Sometimes I slip back into my old habits and I remember why I stopped doing them. For example, my addiction to YouTube was so strong that I would decline social invitations from people I really cherished like my family and family friends just so that I can watch YouTube. In spite of me feeling isolated and lonely. In spite of me hating the damn thing. Its grip over me was so complete that I just couldn't think of anything else. I would just imagine sitting there bored out of my mind listening to mindless chatter and wishing I could watch more interesting, educational content on YouTube. Do you understand how deranged that is? These are the most important people in my life and I can't drag myself away from YouTube for long enough to spend cherished time with them? It's insane!
In the past I would make this a moral issue. Nowadays, I don't. I think it's a psychological issue; it has more to do with how your brain is wired than your own morals. When I'm entranced in a YouTube binge, I'm not doing it because I'm morally superior and watching erudite content. No, it's because I'm addicted. I'm not saying that I value YouTube more in a holistic sense. What I am doing is rewarding the gremlins in my brain that need that hit of dopamine. That's it. I would feel so guilty because I felt that I was morally bankrupt. When in reality, my psychology has been hijacked.
While that explains the facts, it doesn't excuse my actions. If I choose to spend my time watching YouTube instead of making life-long memories with family, who won't be here forever by the way, then I am in error. And for me the only way out of this conundrum is to ban YouTube entirely. I don't think it's a good addition to my life. I'm not going to lie and say there is absolutely nothing there for me. However, on the whole, the good parts are like 1% of my time on YouTube and the worst part is that it is this 1% that keeps me coming back like an addicted gambler. Just one more session and I'll really get that hit. It doesn't work and because YouTube is much more stimulating than real life, your real life suffers. It fills a need but it does it by manipulating your dopamine. It's a drug, not a solution.
This is where books come in. Books provide entertainment without the addiction element. In fact, they are so much more entertaining once you get into them. A good book is a proper adventure. What kind of adventure can you go on a 30 minute video? None. But a good long 400 pages plus book is like a small world unto itself. Even better when it's 1000 plus pages. You become immersed and time just seems to fly by and your in this world and the story is unfolding and you're so wrapped up in it and I love it to bits!
And for me this feeling is so nostalgic of my childhood days when I had nothing to do and no one to talk to and all I had was books to satisfy my curiosity. Much like today. In fact, I don't think much has changed. I've always been like this. In a somewhat sad twist of fate, I thought that I could escape my loneliness and isolation by chasing girls and drugs and hanging out with friends only to end up in the same place. It hurts cause I never wanted to be an addict. I just wanted to stop feeling so isolated and lonely in my imaginary worlds where I was somebody, something.
I used to feel that all my hard work was all for naught. I would study hard and work hard just so that I can have no friends? Just so that I can make money? When would this misery stop? I never had anyone I could talk to and relate to whose heart was aligned with mine. All I ever found was friendships of convenience. That's it. I never found a friend who I could talk to for hours about nothing in particular. Maybe I'm being romantic and idolizing the altar of friendship but I'm just saying how I feel. I've found that even being honest and open with others was never enough to create that spark of friendship. I thought maybe you can only have such a deep relationship with a member of the opposite sex but I was wrong there too. And in my despair I lost myself to addiction.
That was until I found coding, programming, FOSS and computer science in general. I thought to myself, here are the fabled wizards I read about so much in my books. If only I could be like them and create the worlds of fancy that exist in my imagination! I don't know how to describe that moment. It was like I had been saved. Here was something I could do for money that completely satisfied my curiosity and let my imagination run wild. And there's this community of people who are just as passionate about technology. Though, I still haven't met fellow technology enthusiasts who I can really call my friends in that deep sense. I still have hope that maybe one day I will. However, more importantly, I have an art and a science and a discipline and a craft that I can practice and excel at and it will empower me to live the life I want! Do you know how liberating that is? It is a dream come true.
So here I am, at least 9 years into this journey and I'm just as passionate as ever! Yes, there have been some ups and downs and some very dark days. But I'm on the path! And that's what matters. I've had to overcome so much pain and anguish in pursuit of this dream but now more than ever I can see it clearly, bright as day, just waiting for me to pick it up. I can see that my future is in my grasp and all I have to do is pick it up and run with it! I'm so thrilled!
The deepest part for me, the most life-changing is understanding that the dream was always in my grasp, I just had to become the kind of person who could be who I wanted to be. There was no magic, no special incantation, I was not cursed and I was not without hope. I'm sure even this loneliness I will find a way through. And who knows maybe one day I'll be sitting with my soulmate and telling her this story so that she understands what she means to me. But until then we must keep on evolving and reaching for that rare air!