29 April 2025 |
I can't live like this. Everyday I just want to kill myself. I'm depressed and suicidal. I hate my life and what it's come to. I can't afford to take care of myself. I can't afford to pay my debts. I don't have a girlfriend. I'm fat. I'm broke. I just spend all day watching porn and YouTube. I hate it all and I want my life to end.
I just want my life to have meaning and purpose. Even if I never get a family of my own. Even if I never get a huge payday. I just want some purpose to my life. If I'm just gonna suffer anyway. Then let it be in service of something important. I can't continue to live this hopeless, meaningless and purposeless shitty existence.
I gotta make a change. If I don't, I'll definitely kill myself. The way I'm going, I won't see the end of this year. I already fantasize about killing myself. I dream of that sweet, sweet release. Where I don't have to suffer anymore. I don't need to look back at my life and regret it all wishing I could just go back and change it all. I just don't want to suffer meaninglessly.
I spend all day dreaming about the past. Regretting all my failures. Wishing I knew better. Dreaming of a life where I had all the solutions. Where I didn't make the mistakes I did. But even that I know is fantasy. It's because of what I went through that I became who I am. And the only way to look back is with a view to learn how to do better. Not so that you can wish you could change the past. Cause you can't and what's more, life is about living in the now. The present is all you have.
I have an opportunity to go back to university and study my passion: computer science. I have this one chance to make it all right. I can fix the mistakes of my past and create a new life for myself. I have a chance to rid myself of all this meaningless suffering. Cause I can't live like this anymore.
I hate every aspect of my current existence. I'm just a shell of a human being. I have no purpose. No meaning to my life. No vision for the future. No hope for the future. No dreams. No goals. No ambitions. I just simply exist. All I do is consume like a parasite. I don't create anything. I'm just a waste of space. I can't do this anymore.
I want to live my life with purpose to my day. Meaning in my actions. Joy in my step. Fulfillment in my life. I want to be proud of who I am and what I am becoming. I want to look at myself in the mirror and say that's a great man. I want to have live with such intensity that I have no reserve left when I die. I want to say I left it all out there. I created to my heart's content. I built an amazing life with joy, wonder, purpose, creativity. I want to enrich the lives of my loved ones. I want to be able to take care of them. I want to be able to share genuine joy with them. I don't want to be this hollow, shallow, decrepit, shell of a man.
I seriously can't live like this anymore. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the things I do. I hate the way I look. I hate my habits. I hate my weaknesses. I hate being so hopeless. I hate being so purposeless. I hate the fact that I can't take care of myself or my loved ones. I hate that I can't pay my debts. I hate that I'm not attractive to women cause I'm so fat and so broke and so meaningless. Oh how much I hate myself.
That's why I keep on saying I can't do this anymore. I close my eyes and I envision a better life. Independence. A family. A purpose. A job. Being debt-free. A fit body. Joy. Meaning. Fulfillment. It's enough to make a man cry.
But I have the chance to change it all. If I invest the next 4 and a half years, I can fix my life. I can have it all. Maybe not the lambos and the babes and the trips. But I can have something deeper. I can have meaning and purpose and joy and pride in who I am. It all starts today. It all starts with the choice to suffer for a great cause.
Don't get me wrong. I don't like to suffer. I'm not a masochist and I've had enough pain. But if you ask me whether it's worth it to continue as is, or to make a change. I have to make a change. Because what is certain is that if I continue down this path, all that awaits me is suicide. It really is that simple. The question is whether or not I want to live anymore. That's it. Are you willing to suffer for a purpose or are you going to kill yourself and end this charade?
And I'll be honest with you. I don't want to die. I don't want to waste my life. But I also don't want to be hopeless and live a meaningless existence. I hate every aspect of my current life. So I've got to make a change. A very permanent change. It's not about the money or the women or even going back to school. It's about purpose and pride. That's the goal. I want to look at myself and be proud for what I have achieved. Especially knowing the hell I've come from. You know I lost my mind at a certain point? I was literally checked into a mental asylum. I stayed there for 8 days until my drug-induced psychosis went away and I was lucky cause I could have been there for 6 months. What if I lost my mind permanently? I don't even want to think about it.
I dream of living life with meaning and purpose and I can't stand knowing that it is within my grasp and I'm just throwing it away because I'm too much of a pussy to grab life by the balls and demand better. It will take hard work, suffering, perseverance, grit and determination to fix my life. It will literally take 4 years. But if I don't do it, then why am I here? I can't live like this. And the most insidious thing is that I could be enjoying my purpose from as soon as this moment. That's the thing that gets me. I don't need to wait 4 years to enjoy living my purpose. I can start right now. But I'm too much of a pussy. Cause I don't want to suffer. Just one more YouTube video. Just one more gooning session. Just one more porn video. One more day and I'll change my life. I hate myself for this weakness.
I don't even understand it. You would imagine that I would be jumping up for joy knowing that I can start today, but no, I just continue to waste time and just watch my dreams slip away. As if I haven't suffered enough. When will it be enough? When all your dreams are gone and all that's left is regret? When everyone's given up on you and you just live in isolation and shame? When all your chances are gone and all you have is hopelessness and purposelessness? Do you really just want to kill yourself? Do you see no point in living just because you have to struggle to live life according to your own terms? Why do you think you deserve to live life without pain? Everybody suffers! And you just want to have everything handed to you like some king? Pathetic.
I seriously hate myself. I can't stand myself and this pathetic ass whining and bitching and complaining and weakness. It's so pathetic. Not only are you wasting the only chance you'll get, you're doing it for porn and YouTube. Like how pathetic can you get? That's it? That's all it takes for you to throw your dreams away? Your purpose for living? Your dreams? Your joy? Your happiness? Is that it? That's all it took for you to destroy your life? Are you really that weak?
I am an addict. That's a fact. But if I don't get over this addiction, it will destroy my life completely. And I mean completely. I will seriously kill myself. I hate myself. I hate who I have become.
I know I can do this. I have overcome a weed addiction. And that was my strongest addiction. I'm now 10 months sober. This porn thing. I've struggled with it from watching porn multiple times a day to now only watching it a total of 6 days in the past 8 months. If I keep it up for the rest of the year that's less than 2%. It's not perfect but that will set me up for next year when I can finally say I kicked this demon out of my life for good. There are still 8 months left in the year. That's the majority so by maintaining this vigilance I can say with confidence that I have won this battle.
Now for YouTube. I don't even understand why this is such a struggle. Do you know how much I hate YouTube brain rot content? I've deleted shorts from my phone. But I still spend so much time on desktop YouTube it's insane. I spend basically the whole day watching this infinite slough of nonsense. I hate it so much. I don't know why I can't stop watching it. Even now as I write this and writhe in self-loathing, I'm still thinking to myself that when I stop I'll just fire up YouTube and continue to binge watch this brain rot content. Oh my God, I hate myself for falling for this basic ass manipulation. I know it's the dopamine release but am I really that simple? I hate it. I hate YouTube, you understand? I hate it for what it's done to me and for the fact that it's literally taking away my life. But I still want to watch it! It would be hilarious if it wasn't so tragic. I'm literally suicidal over this stuff!
I've come up with a plan. I wake up at 3:30 am, study till 5:00 am. Exercise till 6:00 am. Shower, eat, brush my teeth till 7:00 am. Then study the rest of the day and do projects till I burn out. I eat supper at 7:30 pm. No lunch. All I have is tea the whole day for sustenance. Keep to a very strict diet so that I can actually lose weight. Strictly no porn. Ever. Strictly no YouTube except on Sundays and even that is only because I'm such an addict. I really should ban it completely from my life. For relaxation I read books and go on walks. That's it. That's my schedule for the next 4 and a half years. I can play video games on Sundays.
The funny thing is even as I make this plan, I'm downloading Cyberpunk and I'm planning on eating lunch while watching YouTube. Part of me is like yeah, you deserve it. You've worked so hard to write this piece that you should reward yourself with some YouTube and binge eating. It's only fair. Will these demons haunt me for the rest of my life? You know sometimes when I'm asleep, I dream I'm smoking weed? And I can't tell the difference between that and real life so when I wake up I feel like my brain cheated on me. Sometimes, I dream I'm fucking a porn star. It's that bad.
I'm in such a deep hole I don't know if I'll ever come out. If I look at all this shit, I'll just crumble. But if I take it apart piece by piece. I can tackle it and win. I know I've gotten over my weed addiction. Check. I know all I have to do with my porn addiction is to keep the vigil and I'll win. I know to get in shape all I have to do is diet and exercise. I know for my YouTube addiction all I have to do is to never open that damnable app. And I know to live my life with meaning, all I have to do is pursue my goal of being a professional developer everyday. Fill the time with meaningful study and projects and you're golden.
That's it. There's no magic and I'm not cursed. I can live my life with purpose, meaning and agency. I can have joy and fulfillment. I can stop being suicidal. I can stop being depressed. I can stop my addictions. I can live meaningfully and with joy and purpose. I can stop always looking to the past and wishing things were different. I can take all the lessons from my past, adopt them and live a better life. All this is within my control. I don't need anyone to make this change. I am in control. I have all the power. I just need to exercise it. I just need to stop being a doomer and look at my life and take charge. I can have hope for the future. I can create a wonderful life.
And it all starts with Emacs and Exercise.