Addict Schizo - P3

I'll never forget how it feels. This feeling right here that drove me to addiction? How can I forget? It's not even a single bitch or person in general, it's just knowing that at the end of the day it's just me vs the world.

From a very young age I had to face the facts that nobody could save me. Nobody could help me out. At most maybe my parents can pay my school fees, feed me and put a roof over my head. That's it. Beyond that, I gotta figure it out.

I always assumed that anyone who had to go through that also would have some understanding of what loyalty is because the stakes are high. Whenever I hear this shit of I used to be a people pleaser or I finally learned how to put myself first, I'm just disgusted. You know why? Cause they were never about business. It was always about the outcome, how you feel, what you get, bullshit. It was never about who you became.

I'm not saying let yourself be used. I'm saying choosing your lane and sticking to it. If shit doesn't work out it's not your fault and you can look back with pride. Like I always think back to Jackie, like she must have known shit wasn't going nowhere but she didn't say a goddamn thing. She waited for the last minute when she knew she wouldn't have to hear my side of the story. I just look back at that guy and he never had a chance in hell. But I'll give him credit cause he stood on business. That's what people forget, they make promises that they never intended to keep. They just say what's convenient so that they can get along. I don't even necessarily blame them but I can't ride with such people.

On top of that, I cannot blame my addictions on them. That's why I'm writing this. So I can capture the feelings of this moment where the pain is inescapable and the addiction is in the back of my mind like "You know what you need to do, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Nobody cares. Nobody loves you." When I write that shit out loud then it becomes so much clearer.

“I'm rightly tired of the pain I hear and feel, boss. I'm tired of bein on the road, lonely as a robin in the rain. Not never havin no buddy to go on with or tell me where we's comin from or goin to or why. I'm tired of people bein ugly to each other. It feels like pieces of glass in my head. I'm tired of all the times I've wanted to help and couldn't. I'm tired of bein in the dark. Mostly it's the pain. There's too much. If I could end it, I would. But I can't.”

― Stephen King, The Green Mile

I relate so much to Coffey when he says this cause it's like how much more can you take especially when you're just alone? For sure I'll stick it through to the end and I still have my family but I've never had a buddy who would always be there for me sunshine and rain and we could ride together and build cool shit you know? Nobody ever takes me seriously. I always feel disrespected. I know there's an aspect of letting others define you but it's just that I never felt that compassion I always extended to others. Yeah sure, I was (am) an addict, but nobody ever saw what I could become, who I could be, they just saw what they could take.

It's always been that way. Just relationships of convenience. That's it. I need this so I hit you up, I need that so I hit you up. It's never can we just chat? And for just the sake of knowing you and trying to build a relationship as buddies who appreciate each other and want to do cool shit together.

I mean if I think real hard there are relationships I destroyed because of my own inadequacies but I tried. And I will continue to try harder but I had to take it one step at a time. To remember who I am.

So that when the addiction whispers in my ear, "It doesn't matter. Let's fucking cum!" I can answer from deep in my soul and say "That shit's whack." I understand what my mind is trying to do for me. It's trying to shield me from the pain I feel, the sorrow I feel for being alone and being betrayed but I cannot then go on to betray myself and let myself be destroyed by my own pain.

It doesn't matter how much love someone, something, you gotta be able to let them go. I know the pain will always be there but what does that matter? If you want to avoid pain, then you have to avoid love.

I mean I know all these things and that's not the point I'm getting at but I just want my inner self to know that loving isn't weakness. Responsibility is not weakness. Pleasure will never make you forget the pain. You live with it. It flows in your fucking veins and you just learn to accept it and move on. It will always be there to remind you that you have a heart. Even if people don't care, you know you care and no one can take that away from you. Even when you were an addict, you still took the time to take care of those you love as best as you can. Nobody sees that shit. Nobody appreciates that shit. It doesn't matter I do. She doesn't even remember you. They all don't even remember you brah. It's okay, it's cool. You have to move on. You cannot live here in the darkness. You cannot be living trying to change the past. You have to leave the past in the past. What's done is done. Even if you want revenge, you have to let it go.

KJV Romans 12

17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.

18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

I just look back and say it's so unfair that my past self had to go through it like that, like where were the people supposed to guide me and protect me? To be fair, I did find my way out of the pain and despair and now I'm well on the way to recovery but did it really have to be that way? I'm just thinking of the choices I made. Like if I didn't have sex with Jackie would it have made it better? If I wasn't an addict would life be different? I just look back and I don't know what to think. You know why? Cause all the shit I thought would happen came true. Just like I thought, even then, they all left and I'm the only one holding on to hope, hoping against hope, that I'll make it out. I can see the light but it's not yet fully formed. I have to take a few more steps. It's gonna take a few more years but I'll get there.

Will I be in time to protect my family? I don't know. Will I ever give my heart out again for a girl or my friends? I don't know. I don't think I need to. Then again, I'm not as afraid of it as I was years ago. Being betrayed like that tormented me. But I learnt one thing; God made me complete with everything I need to finish the mission. He will provide. He will guide. That's all I need to know. My focus is to be the best I can be everyday. That's why I focused on getting over my porn addiction so much. Next on the chopping block is social media then carbs/sugar and then I'm addiction free!! Already I feel so much better without these crutches. You just need to let your mind flush the system and work properly. You would be surprised how complicated your biological machinery is.

Of course I still feel horny. But I know that for the most part, I don't watch porn because I am horny, I am horny because I watch porn. It's just like smoking cigarettes. You don't smoke cause you like cigarettes, you like cigarettes because you smoke. Once you stop and you get over those first weeks, your system clears up.

That horniness is a defense mechanism to help prevent me from facing the reality. Because I remember quite clearly that the first time I masturbated I was thinking of a girl who never wanted to be with me and thought I was lame. She never respected me and never liked me. She never loved me but I loved her. I would always love her. To this day I can still think of her face and see her sweet smile. All it brings up is of just feelings of longing but also deep sorrow and bitter pain. That's when it started. When I realized I would never be loved. It's stuck with me since then. Even with Jackie, I knew at the back of my mind, one day she will leave, she's only here because it's convenient. Nobody could ever love me. I'm hideous, atrocious, a loser. These were the things my so-called friends would say about me behind my back up to until I was in the class six when I stopped spending time with them.

I could take the pain, take the insults but what I could not take was the rejection from the one who's affection I wanted the most, my dear Ann. It seems stupid that I should be thinking about this stuff when I'm almost 30 but it is because that I am almost 30 that I can think about this stuff with an open mind and let it all out. I know the road from here gets tougher and tougher. I just want to acknowledge that I've been carrying a lot of baggage for a long time but I think it's time to let it go here. If I want to make it to the top, I have to let it all go here. If I hold on to the past and the pain, I won't be able to crawl my way up. I know it's easier said than done but the first step is always forgiveness and grace. I already forgave those who wronged me but I have never forgotten. I have also never really given myself the grace to grieve and let the sadness out. I mean it's two decades of loneliness. That's more than a man should bear. But it's alright. The loneliness taught me the value of good relationships even if I don't have much.

I need to be a better friend. I need to give more time to those I love if we are to build anything. I always had time for the drugs and the porn and all that but I don't have time for family and friends? That's some bullshit. I know rebuilding my connections will be hard. But I know the way it starts is by being proud of who you are first. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

I can never forget the pain, but at least I can start to heal. That's all that matters, walking the green mile.