Addict Schizo - P2

It was never about all that. i just wanted to talk to someone. I look back at that young boy and I have so much sympathy for him. SO confused. SO lonely. So alone. So vulnerable. I just wanted to feel secure. I never had a thing. Every day they were just flexing in my face telling me I'll never be anything looking at my parents knowing it's not their fault.

I could never be a pussy. NEVER EVER! I'm proud of who I am, where I come from. I have my weaknesses but I will never let anyone get one over me like that. That's why I love this reading shit. You can't beat me at this game. You can't jail me for this shit. I'm smarter, faster, stronger. I can't be beat. It's not even about winning. You ain't about shit! Money this, money that, bitches this, bitches that. It's about this moment, right here, right now, can you face this draco in your face? You know what I'm saying?

People get me way too fucked up! For real. I'm out here giving my heart, bleeding out on this keyboard. That's me, who are you? Always about that mocha soft life. I can't stand it. Like I would ever give up.

And yet, life testing me every day. Every day and cheating with this game. I didn't know about all those addictions. If I had known, you think I would have fallen into it???? The last 8 years have been nothing but hell. And after all that I can't trust my own mind? Da Fuq?

Shit isn't fair. It's never been fair. Always with these unfair do or die type shit games. And then people think it's just about some pussy or some skrilla! You got me way too fucked up! I was never about the skrilla. I was never about a hoe. I was always about the game. That's all I had. You understand? Nobody ever takes you seriously till you do something they could never even comprehend. And you think I care about what you think? WHAT??? You will never be here and you'll give up at the first sign of difficulty. Always on some pussy shit.

That's why I love computer science, maths and physics. I don't need to be the best. I don't care about any of that. When I'm deep in those abstractions, theorems and functions, the whole world is in my palm and I spin the globe around and I'm way farther than you could ever be.

I don't think you understand where this comes from. Like time after time, people just disrespect me cause I don't have some ice or the latest sneaks or whatever. From since I was a kid. I never respected those mofos. Flexing with shit they ain't even earned.

I just want to respect the man I see in the mirror. Doing what's right for me and my family. That's all that matters.

You know, I've spoken a lot about those addictions I have had; weed, porn, carbs, social media. I still struggle with porn, carbs and social media. Not as bad as it was but I just remember the days I wanted to kill myself. When I think about it, it's like a fresh memory. I can feel those thoughts like ice on my back. Do you understand how bad you must be feeling if you'd rather die and then live like that for years? These days when I wake I still have remnants of those feelings and I have to remind myself that there are things to look forward to. The first hour or two of the day when I'm still sleeping in I have to convince myself that there's a reason to wake up. Like I have a life to look forward to.

You know what caused it? It wasn't just the loneliness. It was that combined with the knowledge that there is no way forward for me. Nobody was coming to save me and it was only a matter of time before life catches up with me. Like I'm being consumed by my pain.

Recovery only started with sobriety. That took like 2 years. I know dealing with the other addictions will also take a long time to deal with. To be fair, I'm at a point now where for the most part I don't watch porn even though if I'm not careful, I'll goon just because it's so easy. For the most part though, I don't do it. I'm proud of that. I've been an addict for 11 years. Longer than I smoked weed. For sure my mind was fucked. The same thing goes for carbs and social media. Most days my diet is okay. I don't take sugar most days. My portions are steadily decreasing. Again, if I'm not careful, I'll end up eating more than I need to. This doesn't bother me as much cause dealing with porn was more of an issue. But now that it's been dealt with, these past two weeks I've really locked in my exercise and diet. The social media one I know is an end result of all these others. The root of all this shit is dopamine. And for me it was cause I had no hope for a future. But now that I'm pursuing my degree and I'm starting to build my network etc, I have some hope.

One thing I learned though from dealing with my weed addiction. You cannot live for the future. You have to live for this moment. Not in a hedonistic way. In a meaningful way. Like you have to find meaning in the moment. You have to use each moment as if it's something precious because it is. If you don't have hope for the future then that's where you start. This future that you're staring at is built with the actions you take everyday. Success is a habit.

I just look at my old self and I'm like he had things twisted and it's not even his fault. He was lied to, abused and abandoned. But he kept on going. Cause he knew there was a future, fuck what they say and fuck what I feel. Just deal with the issues one at a time.

I'm where I want to be. I spend every day coding just like I wanted. I just need to get better at doing that. Fuck all that pain. For real, all it takes is just a never give up attitude. Like they think I can't read? WHAT??? This is exactly what I've been dreaming about.

Thank God.

Deus Lo Vult.

Sometimes it just hurts.

I don't think it will ever stop.

It's not just about everything I lost. Or everyone who I loved and lost. Or even about all those who abandoned me.

It's just pain. Never ending pain.

The only thing that stops it is work, working out. Decoding code. Functional functions. Algorithmic algorithms.

That's all that makes sense. Blank eyes. Brain at max.

Spin till we get dizzy and collapse.

Fade in, fade out. White out. Black out

They never thought I would make it. Fuck 'em. What do they know?

Coding hitman out for absolution.

It's still a strange feeling to wake up and be like, everything is not fucked. Like it's not just that we can salvage this situation but like we can actually have some fun here. You know? Like this week I have OCaml to play with and Over The Wire challenges too. You know?

It's just so strange. I haven't had genuine guilt free fun in such a long time.

I also have friends I can reach out to and call/talk to. You know? Those relationships are on life support but at least there's something.

There's also girls in the picture, you know?

I mean, doing this the right way will take years to fix the foundation of my life and patch up these problems one by one but it's okay.

I also have a gangsta laptop that will take me to the top!

A lot of the pain also just washes over me in waves now. It doesn't just sit with me and poison my soul.

Like I actually enjoy doing a lot of these self care things you know? Like a Don getting ready to lead his empire.

And that's how I'm seeing it. There's important work to do and I can do it and I am doing it and it's beautiful and enjoyable.

And all that pain can just melt away.

I can just focus on being a professional who enjoys his work with a community he provides a service for. And the remains of the day are the friends we made along the way and the family we cared for.

I may not always be happy but now I have peace. Not even because I think I will get to the goal. But because I'm happy with who I am now.

I have shit to look forward to. And it's not some far away goal that may or may not happen if the stars align. It's tomorrow, right now even. I am who I want to be.

I have things to improve but who I am is not who I was.