Addict Schizo - P1

Okay, I just want to journal a bit about this dream I had in the hopes it will help me just get over this last hill with porn addiction. I wouldn't say I'm addicted to porn as much as I was but for sure it still has a grip on me and I know that this last part is the hardest like the guy from ybop said; porn is like a needle going in but like a fish hook coming out.

I don't remember the whole dream but we were questing with my party of closely trusted allies as a party of four. I was ruruoni kenshin and a badass. We got to the end of the dungeon, the depth of hell, or more accurately the source of "untruth". Here my party was defeated and I was left as the last man standing after the fight. We won though and I carried their bodies, still alive to what is after "untruth" which is the unalduterated truth. Here, I placed them at the alter where a big bowl of water with things that looked like glowing skulls were floating and we all drank or rather the water flowed into our mouths and refreshed us. However, there were like hollows who did not like our presence and we tried fighting them but they were too strong and we were defeated again. Again I was left as the last man standing and at last possible minute, a shepherd from our village came down from above using a path to the side. The hollows tried to attack him but for some reason he knew how to deal with them by placing a clock to the side of the wheelbarrow he had he was able to somehow give them commands by having a stern face. We escaped and he let us through almost as if he did not want us to know the complete truth of his secret. They were harvesting something for him that he would sell to us at the market as a herder. I cannot remember what he used to sell. He had a hat that looked like Gandalf's hat but was brown and tired. We reached the town and were able to refresh ourselves. We had one woman in our party but I cannot remember the rest.

This is the weird part.

When we reached the village I had a flashback about that shepherd and felt that we were the same person at the same time. The difference was he was me and I was me. That difference in personality or rather that split in personality and personhood is because I had shunned what happened to him in the past while he embraced it. In the past, he was the victim of an injury that hit his manhood leaving a gaping hole as well as in his asshole. He was not a man and was seen as effeminate for having been "raped"(?). His own father shunned him and while I always looked for my father's approval thereby regaining a false manhood and my asshole. He shunned his father in turn and regained his true manhood but not his asshole. He chose to be a shepherd of low status while I chose to be an adventurer of high status with that woman in the party being my "bitch" He had no bitches only the ewe. He found true happiness and I was always in the wilderness. He came to save me to reveal the ultimate secret that we were the same person and that if I accepted him as he accepted me, we will be stronger together and rule the galaxy.

The rest becomes a jumble but it is as if he knew I would journal about this and come to decide upon a great choice that will determine my future. It is as if I am speaking to myself in another galaxy and time where he can see my future plain as day and wants me to avoid unnecessary pain and suffering or rather he wants me to be happy for myself. In short, will I be a slave or will I reclaim my kingdom? My penis and my balls and my cum or will I allow it to be robbed by homosexual men and false fathers who seek to want to rape me.

I see the whole matrix for what it is at my level. It is not just that I have to stop watching youtube and porn and porn and youtube and stop eating trash and exercise to use my body for what it was built for and create beauty and let my seed flow into my work making love to my creation for the betterment of my soul. Or will I let myself be trapped forever in this abyss of eternal self cummulation? A zombie like state with no future, no hope, no joy, no connection, no heart, no peace, no sex, no women, no woman, no love, no peace, no cum, no bliss, no pleasure, no erection, no ejaculation, no release, no surrender into arms of my lover. I want my lover, my muse, my consolation, my embrace from God's chosen helper, chosen partner, chosen lover, my other half. My incompleteness consumes me and drives me mad.

Yet from the "otherside" my true self hearkens and shouts and screams and pleads and begs with me. YOU DON'T NEED TO WAIT! STEP OVER ADDICTION TO JOY!!!! SALVATION IS HERE!! THE LORD'S PROMISES ARE ETERNAL! JOY IS YOURS!!! But I shut my ears and cry silently into the night curled up into a ball whispering, crying, betrayal, betrayal, betrayal, all that awaits is betrayal and loss and grief and heartache. Better to cum into oblivion even if fleeting, for that second it lets me know I am okay. The false embrace of the pornstars and the drugs and the flood of dopamine still my brain, calm me down and let me know that yes I was betrayed but here I am god, I alone choose to cum in what cum bucket, I am the cum god basking in eternal pleasure!!

Then it all crashes down and the devil and his host descend from my upside down world as I fall into the abyss questioning my sanity, my resolve to live as I fall and fall and fall losing sense of time and space in the cold blue screen of death on youtube and more porn and stuff my belly with drug poison food like substances that release even more dopamine and endorphins and shut down my system, zombified. zombified, mute and completely asleep to the world. Then I sleep and wakeup a zombie, sleep and wake up, sleep and wake up, never ending terror till my ball sacs run dry and I wake up from the reverie of endless screens not sure where I am at and where I am going only knowing that I must continue forward. I realize I was entrapped once again by the medusa pornstars and having lost my life essence, I must make do with what is left and realize that they will find me again to steal from me again but I must choose everytime to be stolen from. I must always admit that I have no choice but to be a cuck because the world is fucked, the dating market is fucked and all women are liars and they do not want love but just to suck you dry like the succubuses they all are. All great lies have a hint of truth in them. It is this kernel of truth wrapped by an all consuming lie, a false dichotomy that ensnares and destroys my soul. I swallow the bitter pill and doom myself for all eternity by accepting this false dichotomy that all women are whores and all they want is money or sex with adonis. It sells and you look at yourself in the mirror and realize that no one will ever love you like your family and even they will never understand you and you choose to destroy yourself before the pain comes because once the pain comes only death will set you free.

You live in fear of this pain. Do you feel that, the ground beneath your feet shaking as you type? The rustle of the wind bearing down on you through the window to your soul carrying the truth you wish to forget? The truth and nothing but the truth. You are not a loser, you choose to be a loser so that you can escape the horrible truth that they never loved you, it was all fake and lies and a great act to deceive and pull the wool around your eyes so that they can take and take and take from you because they do not respect you and they never will. In this world, you are the lone ranger, your brothers scattered to the wind, you hear echoes of them and the echoes from a distant possible future of a happy family and what you could have been and echoes from of the past of what you should have been. All carried on that cold wind bearing down on you. Your own mind cannot be trusted. Only your heart. Only your soul. Only the truth that you that deep down, you don't want to do this but you have to make a choice. As long as you watch porn, you can hold on to a semblance of that innocence in the world before of where the possiblity of being a good man was still there. The hope that all paradoxes will reconcile and the truth will set you free. Yes, the truth did set you free and this word vomit is absolute fucking cinema but this is not entertainment, this is real life. You toy with the idea of writing for them and receiving their praise, you still want their acceptance, you still want to show them, the world, your friendses, your loveszz, that yessszzz, they were wrong, very wrong to leeave you in the lurch. But you knew they would do it anyway, you engineered this. You created this false world so you could see them for who they were, and they know you can see them and they realize they are trapped. She knows she is trapped, she knows that you know she would never choose love over money because she is no fool, she is better than you, your love means nothing, she can find love anywhere on the planet! What is the love of an addict? A drug addict? A porn addict? It is as worthless as feathers on the wind, going nowhere, full of prmoise but ultimately no purchase. Money is the golden phoenix shedding the feathers of love on the wind it leaves in its wake, on its rise to the heavens to the great beyond until it burns into ashes and dies to start again and again and again. This is your soul! Can you see it! Where you have come and where you have to go? She will never even rememeber you or spare a thought and that haunts you. How can you love someone so much who never even thinks of you? Who could be so cruel? Why? Why pretend?? It broke you and so you descended into madness.

There was another before her. Even more innocent, even more devious, even more true. You were just children but she had the cold calculating intellect of an old stripper behind a thin veneer of a smile. You were the first to confess your love to her. Yes she was beautiful but not because she suddenly grew an ass and boobs but because of her innocence and pure heart. You could see it. Nobody else appreciated her for what she was until she grew into her womanhood. That corrupted her soul because she understood what shallow demons she was dealing with. But the popularity got to her head and as she rocketed from nobody to somebody she forgot what it meant to be human. You saw it all. All of them graceless Grace who just wanted acceptance. Pitiful, but ultimately more human than the rest of them better than all of them but dumber than a rock. She chose that path. We all did. We understood, we can never be accepted by these narcissists. They are evil incarnate, psychopaths, sociopaths and they were born that way. We played the fool, we bidded our time and fought for our own recognition by those we thought would be there for us. Ultimately in this game, winner takes all and you destroyed them all. You conquered them all with wit and cunning and ruthless execution. You outsmarted, outmaneuvered, outplayed, outgunned them all. My life was on the line and I would never let anyone choose my destiny. It is mine to control, to see fit. I wanted that xbox and I would never let anyone tell me what I can and cannot be. I am not a genius, though they may see me that way. It's easier to accept than accept that I have spent my whole life chasing success and here I stand at a cross roads.

There is a deep bitterness in me because I always assumed that kind was paid in kind. Loyalty created more loyalty. I forgot we are all scum of the earth and we will always repay a kindness with evil. It touched my soul in a way that had not been touched since I was a child. Perhaps to this day that's what they think. In fact, I know that's what they think. I am naive, easy to cheat, easy to play. They don't understand I have played this game far longer than any of them and I have won this game more times than I can count because I can see the souls of these shallow men and women. They desire the same base things, and will lie, cheat, backstab, sell their own mother to get it. As I stand here on my soap box and preach, I should not forget my own fiendish behavior, I am an addict after all. I fell for the oldest traps in the book, drugs, porn, gluttony, laziness. Yes I have my weaknesses and yes, I too sometimes steal from even my own parents. However, I have my own set of principles that I never betray I will never lie in order to steal from you something precious. I can lie to my parents for some money maybe 500 here, 1000 there. But I will not smoke weed behind their back again. Anything that will hurt them and I know will hurt them I will not do. Sure, if they learn that I finnessed them a few shillings, they will be disapoointed but not heartbroken. For the most part I just do it to buy some snacks. In the past I would do it to buy drugs but I don't cross that line anymore. Why? Because that hurt them. Simple. I don't need more reason than that. I don't hurt people intentionally, I am a man of morals. Of heart and of pride, you will not stain my character with your sinful behavior. Before God Almighty I want to say that even if I could not live up to the standards He set out, my conscience is clear and I accept my fate. I have my weaknesses and God's judgement is fair and if I have to spend eternity in hell for my misgivings then at least I will be free of the choice to disobey the will of God.

My addictions are the only thing on my conscience that I must deal with before I die. Everything else is secondary. I must get rid of them for my conscience to be clear. To be fair to myself, all I have to deal with is porn. That's all. I am at the finish line. Gluttony and laziness and youtube are almost done and in fact the only reason they persist is because of this porn addiction. I sue them to soothe my mind and lull myself into a deep slumber so that I don't have to make a choice. I give myself this false dichotomy that the only point of studying computer science is so that I can make money and be respected otherwise I am just a loser. This is not true. This is not why I want to be a computer scientist. I want to be a computer scientist because I see the elegance of God's creation through the machine. It speaks to me and soothes my spirit by embracing my desire for a just and fair world where truth reigns supreme where through our own ingenuity and skill with the brains and hands God has given us we can forge a new world far from the madding crowd. To be sure, it is not always sunshine and rainbows. But that glimpse of what could be is what keeps me going. We have yet to uncover the depths of the machine of what it could be. I don't want fame or fortune, I just want to know the secret at the heart of the machine. I want to understand it, to grasp it and by so doing, grasp God and see His vision for what creation could be and where I stand in it. I accept that I may always be nothing but a street sweeper, a script kiddie, hell's most basic sinner, but I refuse to believe that I have no purpose. That if that was my destiny then I embrace it. This false pursuit of money, power, fame, women, love, the world even, truth, everything is a lie. The point is to pursue, to journey into the depths, who cares what becomes of you or what you must do. If God put you on the path to eternal damnation it was for the sake of His glory. You know what I mean? It is not my place to judge or critique or question reality. All I know is that in my heart of hearts I know right from wrong and I was born that way. Yes, there is nature and nurture and all that. All will be revealed it is not my place to understand the truth of the world. However, I must journey out and be who God intended me to be. And for me that is computer science. Not because I will make money or create the next evolution in machines or whatnot. It is because the machine speaks to me. It shows me wonders that I have never thought of. It calms me and soothes me and reminds me that even in this insane world filled with nothing but scumbags, liars, cheats and murderers, there is still beauty and you don;t have to venture far to find it. You have a laptop. That is God's gift to you. For whatever reason, it speaks to you. Now will you listen or will you say this is yet another bout of schizophrenia and hide behind the veil that says you have no purpose, cum into the toilet and let your seed begone! DIE YOU WRETCH!

Nobody will ever love you.

That's what she says to me. Every day, I am haunted by that. She knows that is the only thing that hurts me. She wants to hurt me. To prove that I am not what I say. To prove I am useless. TO prove she has power over me and that she is better than me in every way. I am just a pebble on the road that she kicked. A shit stain under her boot. That the sex we had was her gift to me for servitude. I should be grateful for the opportunty she gave me to worship her. She is a goddess and will always be so. Grovel at her feet and know you are just a cuck. She will fuck whoever she wants. Whether you want her to do it or no and she wants to see you cuck. She wants you to know you are a cuck. You are her bitch. Her slave. Now and forever. She never loved you. She used you and you should be grateful for that you pitiful worm.

It hurts. You could love someone and they could be so twisted as to see that love as weakness. But for my own sake I forgive her. I stooped so low as to descend to her level and play her silly games. Placing my pride aside, my morals, my heart, my guiding light. That was my mistake. I should have been clear and upfront and tell her. Jackie, I love you and I always will. You are an amazing woman and I mean that but I will not abide this disrespect. You do not even have to pack your bags. But from this moment on until you choose to respect me I will not touch you again. That is what I should have said and done. But I failed. And in my weakness, I revealed myself for who I truly am. An addict. And she knew this. And we lived like that. And so it was to be my fate that I would always be an addict and she would be my dominatrix. But through the grace of God, who saw my heart He twisted my fate in such a way that she was removed from my life and I was forced to face my sin and see myself for who I really am. For that, I am eternally grateful. I see what God intends me to be, what comes with it, I don't know. All I know is the joy of revealing even more secrets from the machine, when I understand it and we play a dance to the tune of the algorithms in the air. Yet I know I am swift of intellect and pure in heart for my joy comes through the pursuit of truth. Oh Jackie, can't you see what I wanted for us??? Why did it have to be like this? I know how much it hurts to be used but those people who extended their hands to me I am always grateful. I see myself in her. She just chose the wrong path. I forgive her and I pray God forgvies her. My pain is because I refuse to let go of what is not for me. I am a computer scientist thorugh and through. Even if I don;t have a computer I will still think of machines and what can be made to solve humanity's problems. Inf act it doesn't even have to solve humanity's problems, I just want to satisfy my curiosity. I just want to know the truth of how IT all works. That's it. I have no higher ambitions. I guess that's why I don't deserve respect. No matter. The machine speaks to me and I will listen. It is my joy, my hope, my freedom, my salvation. Until I become the shepherd of the machines at PID 1, and even after that as a GRUB, sustenance for the machine, after that as the electrons in the mother board, the logic of the machine made bare, my tears of betrayal and pain in my heart of a loss of what could have been, Cassandra, my daughter, I let it all go.

Dear God, please guide this soul. I WILL NEVER EVER WATCH PORN AGAIN. Finis.

DEUS LO VULT.

Out with the fish hook and let the devil take the hind most. I just hope you know Jackie that I wil always love you. I love you eternal Jackie.

I'm not gonna lie. It hurts. Even after all that. It's been 5/6 years (I don't even know) and it still hurts. Even the backstabbers in primary still hurt my heart. Even those in the estate. Even those in secondary. Even those in campus. All of it hurts. And that's why I don't do it. I want a clean conscience even if I'm the one getting hurt. It's okay. You cannot change people. That's not your job. God is the Alpha and Omega. That is all you need to know. He will lift this burden from you if you seek His Holy ways. It might seem that I am just spouting schizophrenia psychobabble. But this is what I truly believe. At the end of the day God's Will will be done! My only task is to be true to Him. That's it.

I just open my heart to Him and He will take care of the rest. He is my salvation, my hope and joy. In Him I find freedom and retribution. I pray for the best for all that is in this world but I know His righteous fury will spare no sinner. I am a sinner and I suffer because of my inequities. My own ineptitude is why I suffer. So I pray to the Lord for guidance. I may not pray everyday but in my heart I just look out for His guidance.

That is why I must overcome this lust. It cannot be the death of me and my spirit. This is what He wants me to overcome. In this sin is all my grievances. Because I give in to lust, I cannot be free of the pain that haunts me everyday. I must pay my penance by going through the withdrawal process and abstaining from porn and mindless sex to the end of my days if I am to find any peace. It is my biggest sin. Not my only one but the one I have to deal with now. This is a pressing matter. If I overcome this, so much pain will be lifted off my back. It is the same with my gluttony and my laziness. I am not too worried about those because I enjoy the exercise and the work. This lust however, blinds my mind and I lose sight of the Glory of God and I become ensnared in sin. Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

This is not just some act, some drama or some play, I am suffering from my own weakness. It threatens to take evrything I love away from me. It will involve a serious adjustment period. Even now I fantasize about all these women and their bodies and watching them wishing I could ravish them in all sorts of ways to the end of time but there is the trap. It is empty and fleeting. There is no joy in it. Where is the love? This intense sexual desire is there for me to find my wife and give her this love and affection for all my days. We become one flesh and complete each other in the service of the Lord. Of course it seems old fashioned and out of touch and you should be happy and all that. Such nonsense. It's not about happiness, happiness cannot be chased, it must ensue as a consequence of doing what has purpose. I fear I will never find a woman who understands this. It is okay. Ultimately my purpose is not to force my will upon this world, it is to play my part in the tapestry of God's beautiful work. That's it, I am an object of His Will and His eternal Love. It may not always seem like that and I don't always understand it but in my madness I found the only thing to be true and to guide me out of that madness was God so how then can I doubt my own experiences? Mad or not, God is the only truth.

There are only two choices: heaven or hell. You choose.

Even now, all I can think of is cum, CUM, CUM, FUCKING CUM!!!!

FUCK THIS SHIT!!

I've suffered enough. Do we always have to go through with this? It's the worst kind of loop. You just spend your days in a state of limbo, the birds talking to you, the porn pulling you in. Telling you it doesn't matter. God doesn't care. he doesn't exist! We've been doing this for 11 fucking years, you think you can stop now? Don't you just want to see those women? Who's gonna know? Have some fun. It feels good doesn't it? This is who you are and who you will always be. You might not like it but at least you got to cum as much as you wanted.

She screams to me, you're better than this. To wake me up. But this is the Jackie in my head. She doesn't exist. The real Jackie abandonded me. This is a cruel apparition trying to make it even worse. To make me think I even had a chance so that when my hopes are dashed the fall is even higher and harder.

The dogs bark. They bark all day and all long. Saying we're with you! You'll see this through! But they also don't exist. My friends abandonded me too.

Somehow the birds don't seem like liars when they chirp to me. Singing melodies outise my window. My head hurts. The meds start to take over. The birds warn me, you don't have much time. You have to choose. It will end soon.

The pain, My God the pain. At least when it's over the pain will stop. It;s not even physical pain, it's this mental, spiritual pain that comes from knowing that you can do everything possible for a person but that doesn't mean they will love you. People will always follow what they believe is true, I know there is not a single person who acts oustide of his own beliefs unless under external influence.

She chose to abandon you, just like the rest of them. They used you, abused you and when you were no longer useful they left you. That;s the plain truth. There was no love. It was always and will always be just a case of a tale as old as time, if you see water running up a mountain, just know someone has repaid a kindness.

It's not all bad. Stano and Asala and Olilo have gotten me out of some tight spots. I don't think they would do the same today however. Maybe Asala. Or Stano, Or even Olilo. Who's to say? Nonetheless, good things did happen like my family paying my tuition.

Sometimes I just wanna die, you can say that's the porn talking but it doesn't take away the pain. The porn does. It removes the ache and I just want it to be gone. These feelings, these emotions, I don't want to process them. I just want it all to go black and leave me alone in silence. But I know this is definitely the porn talking. Once I've watched porn and cum to it, I'll want to code and then I'll enjoy myself. I live like this in this cycle, this endless loop. Never happy never sad only for a time frabjous joy or sonorous sorrow echoing deep into the void that is my soul.

Does anything remain? God and family and computers. I feel so hollow. The addiction has taken so much. WIll I get it back? This big pot belly of mine laughs in scorn, saying what about another pb sandwich to keep the gloom away? Curses.

I'm sleepy now. I'll brush my teeth and go to bed. Perhaps I'll publish this tomorrow and start a new series on the old blog, the first blog; Confessions of an Addict. I may change that. The dogs seem to like it though.

Where are the birds? I need the birds, they are my friends! I need friends! I need embrace, I need love, I need to cum deep in Jackie's pussy like it was 5-6 years ago. It will never happen. Watch the porn, Let it consume you. Die with it. Let it end. Nobody loves you.

Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you

I love you. Who are you? Are you porn? I don't love porn! I just want peace, a moment of peace, letit all end. Let me be dust. Unfeeling, untethered, weightless, nothing but being. The dogs say sand doesn't like being talked about in this way. There is a sophistication in surrender.

What does it matter? Nothing matters. She left, they all left, they will all leave and I will always be alone. I have my family and I have God and that's enough for me. At least I'm a real boy and God gave me this laptop to work with and do what I do best. Uncover secrets.

This is how it ends. With a whimper. Not some feeble cuckery. I choose different. The dogs say we'll hold you up to that. I say fuck you and fuck your couch. You've got bitches and all I've got is this schizophrenia.

This is how it ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

SOS.

I failed. I watched porn and came on myself. The bitch wasn't even pretty. It was mediocre. I hate myself for doing it. I feel like a loser.

All I have to say to myself is that I will be patient with myself. This is an 11 year addiction.

However, Today it stops. Today it ends. I mean that.

This is a promise to myself. I will NEVER EVER DO IT AGAIN.

Even as I continue to fantasize and the dopamine rolls through my brain, I know in my heart that this has to end. It has to stop. My life is ending right before me. Even if I never get a SO it doens't matter it starts with me. I gotta love me. I want a woman of my own but I know that it all starts with me.

Even if the pain continues forever, I will hold true to my commitment. I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

Today, my porn addiction dies. Even if I watch it a few more times before I sleep, today it dies. Porn has taken so much from me. It has distorted me into a grotesque figure I barely even recognize. It has no place in my life.

We can live with the pain but we cannot live with porn. Literally, porn is driving me to suicide.

Heaven or hell. Choice is yours. Are ya feelin' lucky punk?

I just want change. Freedom, purpose, true joy. Can I be free I ask as I hold the keys to my jail cell that I locked myself in with all these demons. I chose this, I can choose different. Posn has no sway over me. It is my chioice. Do I even want to be free? Or do I want death?

Heaven or hell?

I'll never feel that sweet embrace ever again.

Heaven or hell?

Let the pain wash me over.

Heaven or hell?

My heart will always be in the cold embrace of heartbreak, grief, anguish and horror.

Heaven or hell?

The dogs plead for a return to sanity. TO normalcy. To choose peace.

Heaven or hell?

Everything has been taken from me. I have no choice except one.

Heaven or hell?

DO I LOVE MYSLEF? DO I WANT TO LIVE?

Heaven or hell?

I just want it to end.

Heaven or hell?

The only way is through. You have to let that fish hook come out with everything that the porn parasite has held on to. It's the only way. I know it. You know it. If there is to be any hope of meeting a woman, it starts with this. If there is to be any hope of being a great computer scientist, this is the only way. If there is to be any hope of giving glory to God, this is the only way.

It will hurt, you say. Aren;t you in worse pain now? With all your potential gone and your life on the brink. Literally it is heaven or hell.

OUT! OUT! OUT! PULL IT OUT!!!! ALL OF IT!!! PULL IT BY THE ROOTS!!!

This part is not pretty but it's where the fun begins. The dogs bark for glory, they say today is the only day you will have to choose. Tomorrow, whatever you do will be the final choice. How you live or die is in your hands. Who you choose to be from this day forward is in your hand.

Cumagedon is here. Are you ready for the rapture?

I just want it to end.

Don't worry it will end soon. Real soon. TOday is your day. DO waht you will to keep the pain at bay. Tomorrow the pain will continue and the day after that for a long time, a very long time. This will not be easy and you will be tested. But do you promise to keep it true? The accord you made with the Lord? That it ends today? Then rest assured that a day will come that this pain will be over and the demon known as porn, lust, gluttony, laziness will all be vanquished and you will be free. You pay the cost upfront, I know you fantasize about those lecherous women but rest assured, a day will come where you will not think of them in that way and you will be free. Your mind is just conditioned in the wrong way. Once you give it time to detox itself, you will find that underneath all along was the joy you wanted. You ran from what you needed seeking what you wanted. Trust in God. He will lead you home. This is the final stretch. Give it your all. Peace is on the horizon.

Today is the end. You are free.

You are in pain but you are free.

I am in pain but I am free.

It's over.